Friday, January 11, 2013

...because sometimes real life just isn't pretty

Here's a survival kit for "baby blues" &/or depression.... because sometimes real life isn't like those sappy Johnson & Johnson commercials.

1.      A baseball cap, dry shampoo & an endless supply of pony tail holders.
2.     Sweat pants. Or yoga pants. Or pants with an elastic waistband.
3.     Actually, get seven pairs of yoga pants so that way you can skip laundry for a whole week.
4.     A sign to hang on the front door that says “Please come back later. Mommy & baby are resting.” Or for a more direct approach, you could go with “Go away. Leave gifts on the porch.”
5.     Obnoxiously strong deodorant or body spray for when your last shower is a distant memory. Buy extra.
6.    Bright red lipstick & blush to dazzle, distract & deceive.
7.     Waterproof mascara. For the unlikely event that you actually put on mascara. 
8.    Grey’s Anatomy marathon so it doesn’t seem at all strange to sit on the couch all day crying.
9.    Microfiber cloth to clean the splattered salt of dried tears off your glasses.
10.  Chocolate in the form of brownies, M&Ms, ice cream, raw cookie dough, chocolate pie, swiss cake rolls … whatever it takes.
11.    An empty health food bag or couch cushion to hide your candy wrappers when someone’s coming.
12.   A bar fridge next to the bed or couch to store adult juice boxes. And chocolate.
13.   A television mounted on the ceiling so you don’t even have to sit up to watch TV.
14.   A daytime talk show full of people who make you seem normal by comparison.
15.   A hot shower, for when you just need to wail in peace for five freaking minutes. & there’s the added bonus of actually washing your stank self.
16.  Coffee. Lots of coffee. (just in case you are forced to get up & function in a seemingly alert manner).
17.   Better yet, try an espresso IV drip.
18.  Listerine breath strips, because brushing your teeth is totally overrated.
19.  A memorized debit card number & an entire restaurant directory saved in your phone so you can order take-out with minimal effort.
20. A full tank of gas so you can drive from one drive-thru to the next while the baby is sleeping, thus allowing you to get out of the house without actually coming in contact with people.
21.   A fake doctor’s note stating no sex whatsoever for six months. Or a cute throw pillow with “not tonight” embroidered on both sides.
22.  Headphones that play the Peanuts teacher sound — “Wa-wah-wa-wah-wah” — to drown out those not-so-helpful suggestions. And an extra set of thick skin.
23.  A voice mail message that says, “Leave a message & I’ll get back to you. Maybe.”
24.  Extended paternity leave
25.  And finally, at least one non-judgy person who will overlook all of the above & be your friend anyway.

(adapted from

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